Red Queen Syndrome: My Worst Fear

Verse of the Day:

Luke 6:28

Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

My worst fears...something that I seldomly speak about, has changed with age. Once upon a time it was the dark, then it became what could be hidden within it, and then I realized one day...what if I was the monster all along? It unnerved me and was one of my many calls to faith....my fear was one day becoming everything that hurt me. I was afraid that I'd look in the mirror and see all of the women in my life who have made me feel unworthy of anyones time and energy.

I saw it as a curse. All my negative female experiences, manifested as a beast that resides in my heart...its food was animosity and hurt, and everything I harbored allowed it to grow strong enough to completely engulf me in wrath. "Was it just women??" no, but it was mostly them and I have scars to prove it. I have to be honest about that now. Men/boys never became an issue in my life until women made it so. I can trace almost every horrible day in my life back to a woman or a girl that targeted me out. I would like to say that, this is something I've avoided talking about and how I felt about other women and girls then, is not how I feel now....it's one of the most uncomfortable topics I've pushed myself to write about because it hurts....It hurts because the women who were supposed to guide me, tutor me, nourish me and help me grow up into the woman I was meant to be, spent all their time looking at me with eyes of bitterness and hatred....it was scary as a little girl...

My teenage years were a horrible and confusing time. My body was changing, my emotions were all over the place and I only wanted to hide away from the world. Suddenly, everything I wore was "too much", "too childish", "too grown", "too short", "Not pretty enough" or just "not appropriate". There was no hair style I could do beyond a untamed poof, because I wasn't properly taught how to do my natural hair without a perm or straightening it. I was told, I was too dark for colorful hair or bright colors and that I couldn't wear my hair like "white girls". I was laughed at when I tried to wear weaves and perms and other girls would openly circle around me and scrutinize my attempts to fit in with them. (what they show as girls being bullys in movies is VERY watered down.) What made this worse was that there were adults around me that behaved the same way...(I've had grown women scoff and laugh at me to the point of tears....and I was punished for being too emotional.)

As a young adult, I had become a very distant, bitter and pessimistic person. I "hated" being around girls and women, and unfortunatly adopted the unhealthy mindset of "not being like other girls". This would cost me alot: friendships, relationships, opportunites for school and my career. To everyone who met me and knew me before I could heal....I'm sorry, my experiences were not your fault and I'm sorry you had to deal with me in that light.

When I say becoming a teacher saved my life, I MEAN it. I became who I needed to be, by CHOOSING to heal every day I got out of bed. I CHOSE to be present with my students and give them 100% of my time and energy. I CHOSE to pray and meditate in the HOLY word and repent for my ways. I CHOSE God, because I knew that the other choice was death and just like living, there's more than one way to die. Even though I'm no longer, "Mrs. Jasmine", it was a very important part of my life and my growth as a person, and I'll always be thankful for the experience.

The red queen is a symbol of who I was saved from and a representation of the unhealed woman. To any woman out there who has been hurt, and feel let down by our female community, you aren't alone and there's still a chance to be the best representation of YOU that you can be. You are not the women that hurt you and you are not the girls that taunted you, You don't have to hard and cruel to be taken seriously, and you don't have to become the monsters you feared. If Yahweh took time to help someone like me....he'll help you too. I know it.